Darkness into Light and Back . . .

I’ve be on a roller-coaster the past several years and thinking back it's probably been more than that. All I want is to get through the day in one piece but most of all, to have at least one day where I didn't have the chronic pain that I've suffered for the past 30+ years and one . . . just one good nights sleep. For the past few years, not even the analgesic medication the doctor gives me fully works anymore. I can't sleep at night and all the things that I have a passion for I find difficult to do. So what does one do to get through it all and have a life instead of hide away. Chronic pain is restrictive and after a while it eats away at everything but mostly your mind. To top it all off, I have been the victim of a few motor vehicle accidents which added injury pain on top of the chronic pain.

So now I get into the dark stuff . . . at least for me it is because I can't seem to get out into the light and be the person I'd like to be. Everyone seems to be on a journey, quest or have a goal of some sort. They are able to express themselves in writing, verbally and put forth the teachings that they have a knowledge of. I admire these people because they seem to have the drive to achieve what they set out to do. As for me, I've always struggled and had trouble writing or expressing myself in any way. As a result I've usually stood off to side in the hope that no one would see me. Does that make me a failure? Well in the eyes of my teachers and piers of my youth. That carried through into my adult life. I've made several attempts to express myself verbally and by writing things down in an attempt to express my thoughts . . . but, with no real success. I do great in my mind, especially when I'm walking my dog, riding my motorcycle or driving alone in my car. But when I sit down and try to put down those thoughts in writing . . . I go blank, nada, nothing!!! So once again I am here attempting to start a blog. To make another attempt at it after a great number of failures. What's different about this time? I think it was the bike trip that I took this summer that did it. Time to reflect on the past.

I've just returned recently from a trip down south of the border to attend my daughters wedding which was in Portland Oregon. I packed up my bike and left Edmonton on a Friday night at 2130h and headed south. It started to rain shortly after leaving Edmonton so on went my rain gear. The night riding was peaceful, except for the deer that I encountered in the foot hills, but I felt a calmness riding in the rain. For the most part there was little or no traffic on the QE2 so I could take my time. By the time I got to highway 3, in the Crowsnest Pass, it was starting to get light out and I was feeling happy to be on the open road. However when I got to the US border, it changed my mood to rage! American guards must have nothing better to do that harass Canadians or are on one big power trip. Anyway it's a long story and best to leave sleeping dogs alone.

So 7000 km later I arrived back home refreshed and . . . that didn't last long befor I found myself in the same dark place that I left. Back to the drawing board!