Searching . . .

I am writing this so that others might know where I am coming from. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a private person and don’t really like putting myself ‘out there’ or be the centre of attention. In fact even talking to someone I find uncomfortable. Anything negative that is said in general, I take it personally. This is why I remain off to the side and a private person.

I joined kung fu for the simple fact that it was not a team sport. It was something I could do on my own and advance at my own pace. I rely on no one and don’t want anyone relying on me. With that said I do rely on family. For me that really only consists of my daughter, son and parents. My parents are at the age where they rely on me more and more each day and as their care giver I am kept fairly busy making sure they are being treated well and have the necessities and the quality of life. Hence the single life!

When I first joined kung fu it was a gym full of individuals who were wanting to learn kung fu. All belt levels were mixed together. As the years went on I saw most people quit and just a few that went on to earn their black belt. Now that there is a permanent facility or school, I am finding that there are more students sticking with it. There is also a community or family of sorts now, which I feel I’m an outsider to. But this is my problem to resolve.

So what am I searching for? As a solitary person I am searching for a way to feel part of the school and join in on the activities without having the panic attacks. Even thinking about doing a demo or anything with others around creates an anxiety and pain in my chest, I just want to leave. Also I’m looking for a way to get through a day where the chronic pain does not rule my life.

I know that I will not be grading but I made a commitment so will carry through to the end. Actually, one of the rules is ‘No Quitting’. Will I join the UBBT/I Ho Chaun again later to advance in rank? Very unlikely, second degree is as far as I go until I can get the pain under control and know and understand all my forms again to perfection.