Forms

I am still so far behind in my forms that I can not seem to see the light any more or feel the calm they use to bring me. I've always enjoyed forms because of the calm state of mind they brought to me when doing them. When I knew a form and did it well I got a feeling of peace. The peace is gone now because I'm struggling with all the forms I use to know, trying to remember the next move, the flow of the movements and connection with the energy. I think that all I need is a 2-4 good days with each form with someone who I can work with to get them back. But retaining them is the part that has me lost. 

Apology

I have to apologize for letting everyone down by not keeping up with my journaling, especially to the I Ho Chuan team and Sifu Brinker. I could run on with tons of reasons why I dropped the ball, such as I forgot or I didn’t have the time. But the real reason, is fear! Fear of saying the wrong thing that someone may take the wrong way or getting facts wrong, the list of fears is a long one.

I have stated before that I am a very private person and therefore my biggest fear is revealing things about myself that I don’t want anyone to know. I also find it difficult to put pen to paper and write down my thoughts. So with that said, I again apologize for missing weeks. I will try and keep up with my commitment to a weekly entry. 

A New Studio

A new studio with more space means more art made . . . right? I am still in the process of getting my studio up and running so I can get into a production mode. It’s been a bit since I was able to sit down and produce the amount of work I feel I should be producing. I have a ton of ideas but with the chronic pain and the increase in my pain meds I feel like I’m walking around in a fog and can’t think straight or get motivated to do anything. But with that aside I see light at the end of my journey of pain. I am hoping that a resolve to this chapter of my life is near. It will mean time off to recuperate but the drawing, painting and working on photo illustrations, I’ll be able to do. The pottery . . . maybe not so much until I’m off the crutches. Unless I can find someone to help me out. Either way I am looking forward to producing more work and feel positive for once.

A new bigger studio means that I will now have the space to do and store more work and have space for a gallery to show my art. No more will I have the cramped quarters with everything on wheels so I can move them around and out of the way every time I want to mix up some clay or glazes or sit down at the wheel and produce ware. No more finding room for ready to fire wear so it doesn’t get broken. I’ll be going from a 130 square foot space to a 2000+ square foot studio. It’s my hope that this coming weekend or the next weekend will see my new digs up and running with everything in place. I still have to find an electrician to hook up my kilns so if anyone can recommend someone let me know. I look forward to having more light, more space and better access, warmer in the winter, to my kilns.

So onward and upward . . . let the production begin.

Struggles

The struggle with my forms continue. I seem to get to a certain point and then it all gets messed up. I know the moves it’s just getting them in the right sequence and make sure I don’t get moves from one form mixed in with another. My pain level has increased which doesn’t help with doing proper stances or techniques. The pain meds make my brain mush and I can’t retain anything. This is most frustrating since forms were my favorite part of kung fu and perfecting them has always been a priority. What really frustrates me is how the pain is now dictating what I can do and how I do it. Every step I take is a painful reminder of how a disease can affect ones well being. I’ve exhausted all avenues and now it looks like I’m slated for more surgery to fuse bones together. Hopefully it will give me complete or at least some relief from the pain. There goes another wasted year.

Techy Stuff

I’m not a big fan of technology. Sure, I have a computer, iphone, music thingy and I work on a computer all day, but I’d rather be working manually with my hands. There is no greater feeling than crafting something by hand from a wet lump of clay, piece of wood or metal or a combination and turning it into a piece of art others can enjoy looking at or touching. I think that the younger generations are and will be missing out. Everyone seems to be plugged into some device of some sort and missing out on the simple pleasures of life and nature. Even on construction sites I've seen where someone is texting. I believe that most people are hooked on techy stuff, so much so that they wouldn’t know what to do if their devices were taken away, lost or just stopped working. Notice how “vice” makes up the main body of the word device! Yes I believe they would even go into shock or withdrawal just like a junkie.

Technology, at one time was supposed to free up our time and make life easier. Instead it has made life complicated and hectic. Everything has to be done faster and faster and we are expected to produce more and more. We have to fill up every little bit of time doing something like faxing, texting, calling . . . where does it end? Everywhere you look someone is sitting in a restaurant or fast food joint, walking or what really gets me, driving while talking or texting on a cell phone. People have lost the ART of conversation, slowing down, smelling the flowers or just sitting and listening to the birds, waves or other symphonies of nature like a breeze blowing through the trees. Where does it end. Give me the old days when life was simple and easy.

But that is just my view on technology which I could really rant on and on but I won’t. How about for one day we don't use our cell phone to text or talk, don't use the computer or the music thingy. Let's just sit in a park on a nice sunny day and watch and listen to nature for once. 

The joy of food!

I watched a documentary on CBCs Doc Zone, Eat, Cook, Love, September 20th. It made valid points about the way we now consume food and the way it was in the past, obesity and the loss of tradition. One point made, was that we really don’t take the time to cook any more. I mean really cook. Not the frozen, out of the freezer meal or out of a package or can or done in the microwave food. No, I mean real cooking, from scratch food. Real quality food the way it was before the fast food frenzy started. Not many people really take the time to cook from scratch anymore. Lets face it, who has time? Picking out the ingredients at the market, chopping, preparing and loving what you are doing. Simmering soups or stews so the flavors meld together into an enormous burst of flavor when it hits your taste buds. Cooking with love and passion. Nor do we sit down together, enjoy a meal and conversation any more. Now it’s easier to hit the fast food restaurants where we grab, eat and run. Fast food, can you really call it food? Even some restaurant food, some of which is questionable, where if you take any longer than a hour you start getting the evil eye of the servers. It’s all about turn around. Eat fast and get out. There are a few restaurants that do serve quality food but they are very few and far between.

Me, I love to cook! Really simple basic food or more complex meals. Doesn’t matter. Make it from scratch with fresh ingredients, taking the time to let it all fuse their flavors together and fill the air with an aroma that makes your mouth water. Then sit down and enjoy the flavors of the meal, not wolf it down. Whether alone or with a friend or more and to really taste and savor each little flavorful portion slowly, which means chewing it thoroughly! The hell with fast food, give me home cooking any time. The way my grandma use to do. And there is the crunch. Time and the lose of tradition! In the world today, we are so busy trying to keep up that we have lost the art of cooking and eating well. No junk food or fast food. Making meals from scratch and passing that knowledge onto the next generation and who will pass it onto the next generation. The trick is to take the time, put in the effort. Get rid of the tech stuff, TV and the games and spend quality time with each other.

Eat, Cook, Love

. . . well that takes care of the Eat, Cook part . . . the Love part I’ll leave to your imagination!

Blog Time

It’s blog time again. The time between blogs seems to get shorted and shorter and thus I don’t get them out on time. My biggest problem with blogging is what to write about. Not that I think blogging isn’t useful, I just have a hard time putting my thoughts down on paper. In fact I have a hard time expressing myself both verbally and on paper period . . . A man of few words! Guess that’s why I never did very good in high school english. Why write pages of words when it can all be said in a few words or a sentence or two. Also being a private person I’m not sure how much of myself to reveal. Sometimes it’s more than I want to. Anyway this is my blog for this week and as you can read it’s mostly about nothing.

Searching . . .

I am writing this so that others might know where I am coming from. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a private person and don’t really like putting myself ‘out there’ or be the centre of attention. In fact even talking to someone I find uncomfortable. Anything negative that is said in general, I take it personally. This is why I remain off to the side and a private person.

I joined kung fu for the simple fact that it was not a team sport. It was something I could do on my own and advance at my own pace. I rely on no one and don’t want anyone relying on me. With that said I do rely on family. For me that really only consists of my daughter, son and parents. My parents are at the age where they rely on me more and more each day and as their care giver I am kept fairly busy making sure they are being treated well and have the necessities and the quality of life. Hence the single life!

When I first joined kung fu it was a gym full of individuals who were wanting to learn kung fu. All belt levels were mixed together. As the years went on I saw most people quit and just a few that went on to earn their black belt. Now that there is a permanent facility or school, I am finding that there are more students sticking with it. There is also a community or family of sorts now, which I feel I’m an outsider to. But this is my problem to resolve.

So what am I searching for? As a solitary person I am searching for a way to feel part of the school and join in on the activities without having the panic attacks. Even thinking about doing a demo or anything with others around creates an anxiety and pain in my chest, I just want to leave. Also I’m looking for a way to get through a day where the chronic pain does not rule my life.

I know that I will not be grading but I made a commitment so will carry through to the end. Actually, one of the rules is ‘No Quitting’. Will I join the UBBT/I Ho Chaun again later to advance in rank? Very unlikely, second degree is as far as I go until I can get the pain under control and know and understand all my forms again to perfection.

Time and past

I have just spent the past 5 days culling and going through a life time of memories and the historic past of my great grandparents, grand parents and parents. Finding things that dated back to the early 19th century until now.  It brings all into focus as to the way I feel about my past. It also reflects on how I feel about my present state of mind. The one thing is . . . how it makes me feel to discover things about the past. A lineage to connect the past with the future.

PS: This was written September 4 . . .I forgot to hit the publish button! OOPS!

Time after time

I've just spent 5 days going through a life time of memories and discovering more of my past family history. I am over whelmed with the amount of stuff that I have to deal with. But on the good side  . . . I am discovering my past through the eyes of things left behind.

On The Move

I'm on the move or getting ready to get back out to the country. It's been a long time coming and I've finally bit the bullet to move out of the city. More space and a place to setup a bigger studio. Potting in a SMALL basement studio is not fun. I'm hoping to get more potting done so I can fire my new kiln with friends. The move will also give me more space and hopefully time to do other things I like doing. The other is I'll be closer to my parents to better take care of their needs.

Time to blog . . .

When it comes to blogging or any kind of writing at all, I find it difficult to write anything no matter what the subject. Some days I get lucky and can write but those days are few and far between. I am a private person and it's hard to blog about myself or my progress or lack of progress. This is one of the times that I find I have nothing to say and therefore nothing to write about. 

The long road back

It’s been a few weeks since I have written anything here. I don’t know where the time has gone or what happen. I have no excuse except that life events happened and time flew by. So now it’s time to get back on track not only with the writing but with everything else!
Due to a number of life changing events it has been years, 10 plus, since I have trained in Kung Fu. During that time I have forgotten all forms and techniques. Since March, I have been working at getting back into the rhythm of Kung Fu and getting to and attending classes. The techniques are slowly coming back but the forms are not. I am finding it all very frustrating to say the least. The chronic pain does not help especially with the forms and proper stances but I can’t stop living because of it. I just have to overcome, adapt and adjust no matter how much it hurts.

Summer

June 20th, summer solstice, the first day of summer and the longest day. Where has this first half a year gone? With summer upon us there is lots to do. The main thing for me is preparing to move back to the country. I am not fond of city living and would rather be close to the things I enjoy doing so moving back to the Spruce Grove/Stony Plain area. I miss the openness of living on an acreage. The place I'll be moving to will allow me a bigger studio and more peace of mind to do my pottery. I've already built the kiln I want so that is one project off my plate. The second thing I have to do is make enough pots to fill my new kiln so I can fire it later this summer. Other than that I'll be working on getting fit and losing weight. I wish everyone a happy summer and hope it is a good few months ahead with lots of biking and other summer activities. 

Retirement

One year from now I’ll be handing in my resignation and retiring from a job that I’ve spent more than 35 years doing. What will I do when I retire? I plan on doing my art and pottery full time and on my terms. Being an artist/potter is more a labour of love than a job. Last summer I, with help from a few friends and family, built a wood fired kiln that will replace my gas kiln. It uses less than a cord of wood so is more economical than gas. The results will be very different than a gas kiln and will have a more aesthetically pleasing look and feel to each piece. This summer will be the first time that I’ll fire it up. The challenge now is to make enough pots to fill it. This will take some time especially when working full time, chronic conditions physically and the challenge of getting back into Kung Fu. But one pot at a time and in no time I will fill the kiln. The biggest challenge after retiring will be making a living at it. I’ll have to market myself which will be a challenge in itself as I am a very reserved and quiet person and not sure how to go about it. Oh well everything will work out one way or another.

Goals

Like most people, I have goals. Some are more of a bucket list but still count, while others require a certain process to reach them. Most have been derailed for one reason or another and others are progressing at a very slow pace. Yet again I now find that it’s time to sit down and come up with a new plan of action in order to get things back on track. This is not an easy task for me as I see the end result but can’t clearly see the path I must take to reach the end of each goal. The list is not that long and I know doable if I could really put my mind to it. The biggest hurdle I have to completing the tasks at hand is to overcome the obstacles that are holding me back. Most of the obstacles are health related which directly affect every other step I must take. Another obstacle is the task of being a care giver to both my parents who rely on me for almost everything. Both affect my time and motivation. So do I drop the list down and focus on only a few?

My two main goals are the ones that are greatly affected by time, my health and motivation. Both are equally important to me so how do I beat the fatigue, pain and lack of motivation to get through the process and requirements necessary to complete the two goals? One of them has a time limit while the other has a flexible time limit. So how do I achieve the goal when I’m not sure how to get past the obstacles?  I must carry on because the only other choice is to give up and that is not a choice I want to consider.

Thought for this week

As I have no one cause or activity that I am passionate about I find it extremely difficult to blog weekly. This is not to say I am not passionate about anything, this just means that the causes/activities I do have are many and all equally important to me. Since I must write something, this week I’ll write about working as an artist. I have been working with clay since 1988, making both functional (eg: plates, cups, vases, etc.) and non-functional (eg: sculptures, raku, etc.) items. I find it is relaxing and takes my mind off the chronic pain. With the pain however, it is hard to get motivated to do anything especially doing something that can be very physical. But once I get going I feel like the clay absorbs whatever is causing the pain and thus brings some relief to my life.

Part of being a multimedia artist and working with clay is coming up with ideas and ways to execute the work. As a designer, my day job is to be creative on demand. By the end of the day it’s difficult to get motivated and come up with ideas for what to make in clay or draw in other media. On a slow day at work though I can come up with ideas of things to make and sketch them on a piece of paper or in a book that I sometimes carry with me. This helps on those days or weeks that the ideas don’t come and the motivation is low.

So what to do to get my creativity back? The only solution I can come up with is to quit my day job and focus on my personal art full time. No pressure, no deadlines and no being creative on demand for things I am not passionate about or care about. The one drawback to this plan is that I will have to reduce my life style to watching the pennies or I should say nickels since pennies have been discontinued. But I think it may be a good thing as there would be no more stress and no deadlines except those that I put on myself. Working with clay full time is something that I have wanted to do for a very long time. I now have most everything I need, equipment wise, to set up my studio. The last two years, spring, summer and fall, I have spent building a wood fired kiln and this summer will be the first firing. I am so excited! It should have only taken me a few months to build, but with the pain level the days were limited where I could do anything but I did it. Of course it was with the help of a few friends and a few family members who knew my situation, how much I wanted my own wood fired kiln and stepped in to help. Now I just have to pay it off as it was not cheap. Now I’m set except for the number of pieces I have to make to fill the kiln and the many hours it will take to fire the kiln around the clock using wood only.  I can hardly wait!

Life goes on . . .

While checking in with myself I noticed that there were others that are worse off. I received a call from a very good friend who had a heart attack while having dental work done. It made me think that my chronic pain, although not managed, is not as bad as having lupus and the side effects that having it does to ones body. This is what my friend has and even with lupus she continues to live life to the fullest that she can. She does not give up and this has been an inspiration to me and one that I forgot when dealing with the worst bout of pain I've had in a long time. We only have one life to live so make the most out of it no matter what. My goal, when I started this journey was to make it to the end even if I have no chance of making the numbers, at least I would have tried. Life is to short and precious to just sit back and give up.  So I remembered a saying that I use to live by . . . "no matter how bad things seem . . . there is always someone who is worse off than you are."

Fires

A fire ban has been issued throughout the province. This to me is good news as I am far behind in making pots for my new wood fired kiln, not to mention far behind in everything else. My chronic pain has peaked for now but the frustration level is still high.   

It’s been a year since the devastating fire that destroyed so many homes and businesses in Slave Lake. I can’t help but wonder if things will ever be the same for residents.  There are three out of control fires burning now and all caused by man not nature and all that could have been prevented. My heart goes out to the people of Slave Lake and to the communities that are under treat now.  Fire by nature is a way to renew the land. Fire by man is unnecessary destruction and can be prevented if only people would think. We just have to be more careful.

Hats off to the fire crews who battle these fires and I hope there is a real shortage of fires to fight this year. But with the stupidity of a few and the dry conditions we have, I foresee more fires this year and perhaps more communities threatened by wildfires. Let us hope and pray for a good steady rain that will soak the land and restore water levels to above normal.

Only after the last tree has been cut down

Only after the last river has been poisoned
Only after the last fish has been caught
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
--Cree prophecy

Good luck to all!

My numbers are low and frustration is very high, as is the pain. When I started this journey I had certain expectations of myself. But that was with the hope that the chronic pain would be resolved somewhat at the pain clinic and at the very least the pain brought down to a tolerable level. Well, the pain is worse and the clinic was about as useful as as a pillow in a gun fight. My concentration and memory are gone as am I.

Good luck to all in your journey

After the Election

 Well it looks like the polls were wrong. The Wild Rose didn't get in but now form the official opposition. The PC party won the majority and even gained a few more seats as did the NDP. But the Liberals lost seats and when it comes right down to it, better the devil you know! My thoughts on the turn out were way off. I did feel that the PC would win but by a minority. My only hope is that Redford keeps true to her promises. But I also hope that she sees sense and looks to the future of the province and the needs of senior care, health care and the environment. All we have to do now is wait and see if the next 4 years will be positive or negative for all.    

Election time

Tomorrow is election day and we here in Alberta will find out if we see the PC party finally defeated or not. My guess is no matter which way it goes it will be a minority government. But who will win it? That will be the question of the day.

No matter which way it goes my questions still remains unanswered. Will we have better and more affordable care facilities for seniors and better support for care givers? And I don't mean just the caregivers of seniors I am referring to all caregivers in general. I have put that question out there and have yet to get an answer from any of the parties. The sad fact is that no matter who gets in senior issues have fallen by the wayside and so has the fact that there is no real support for care givers. Sure, they all say better healthcare is needed for all of us and some senior issues have been addressed. But, none of the parties have considered that couples are being separated and that the cost is more than seniors on a fixed income can afford. The burden has fallen on the children (caregivers) to make up the short fall. This puts a strain on the caregiver, who has no support, and on the seniors who are forced to separate after more than 60 years of being together. So, no matter what party gets in there will be no solution to a growing problem. It is NOT just a healthcare problem. As an aging population grows so will the need for enough facilities to care for them. As for us caregivers . . . where will we end up?

The Joy of Clay

I have been working with clay for over 20 years and there is always something new to learn or try. Last summer I built my own wood fired kiln and now trying to make enough ware to fill the kiln and fire it. So far it's been a slow process. But working with clay seems to absorb all the stress of daily life and of being a caregiver. Unfortunately it does not help with the chronic pain but it helps me focus on something other than the pain.


The past 2 weeks I've been working at it full time. At first I had to do practice pots and make sure I had the right thickness. After a few days I started to produce ware that I was happy with. I have a lot more ware to make in order to fill the new kiln. My target date is sometime in June to fire it for the first time. But there is a lot left to do such as making, trimming, bisque then glaze and load the kiln.

This time that I have taken has given me an opportunity to see what it will be like when I take early retirement.  Now the question is when do I pull the plug?

To retire or not?

After spending almost 40 years in the same trade, when does one decide it's time to call it quits and retire? There are things I would rather be doing than having to be creative on demand. Such things as doing my pottery and sculpting with metal, wood or clay. My passion for working with clay is never ending and the learning is constant. Working with metal is fascinating and wood has a natural beauty to it. But with the rising costs of life can I retire and live comfortably? I guess doing something that I enjoy is more important and as long as I can meet the bill payments I'd be good. There are always jobs out there that I could do. So part time work to supplement my pension is a possibility. The question is when do I pull the plug and take the early retirement?

Another election!

Time for another election. But what party to vote for. Do you vote for the person best for your riding or vote for the overall party? This is a decision that rests on voters mines. I myself, will vote for the party that best represents seniors issues, education and most important healthcare. I know they all spout promises, but which party will actually hold true to the promises they make? My main concern, being a care giver, is healthcare and seniors issues. Most of all is the fact that senior couples who are separated in different facilities be allowed to be together in the same room/facility. Why are the seniors denied the given right to live out their lives together? I am facing the inevitable of having to make the decision of having one or both parents live with me in order to allow them to live out the remaining years of their lives together or as close to it as possible. Why? Because there are NO facilities that allow them to live together when they each need different levels of care. So what to do? Am I reaching for the stars or is it payback for all the years they supported me.

What has to happen is to get more people out to vote and make politicians accountable for what they promise. It is my experience that the ones that complain the most are the ones that do not vote. I am in favor of bringing in the law, like in Australia, that requires you to vote. The last election was poor turn out and it is the responsibility of every citizen in the county to place a vote. If not then don't complain when things go wrong. 

Do you know who you will vote for? Be a responsible Canadian and cast your vote on election day.

Life as a Care Giver

Life as a care giver is frustrating most of the time and in a way rewarding. Frustrating because dealing with 2 individuals that each need different levels of care means twice the work and twice the worry. Dividing time between them becomes a juggling act and an issue of time management. Vacation time has to be planned months in advance and finding someone who can look out for them while your away can be a challenge. Life is not your own any more. It's rewarding because when things go according to plan you can feel good about yourself and that you're doing something good for someone else.

The most important part of being a care giver is to take time to care for your needs. If you don't look after yourself you may need to find a care giver for yourself. 

It must be SPRING!

The cold grip known as winter, that has held us hostage for several months now is finally losing it's grip. By hostage I am referring to those of us that don't really like winters and would rather summer year round. I am such a person. I am never so glad to see the sun for more than 6 hours a day than I am this time of year. Bring on the long, lazy days and nights of summer and everything that comes with it. Most of all I miss riding and sitting outside. Taking my bike on short or long trips and feel the wind in my face and watch the doted center line blur into one continuous line. Unlike last summer I don't have a bike trip planned for this summer. Last summer was great 10 days of hard riding, 7050+ km! This is the way I travel when I'm alone even when in a car. The first few days are hard riding/driving to my first destination. Relax for a few days then hard again to my next stop. This may not sound to great for most but I just like to hit the road and ride or drive. I find it relaxing. Maybe I should have been a truck driver! But, back to spring talk.

Spring is in the air and last nights rain was refreshing. Bikers have been out for the past few weeks so it's time to turn my thoughts to getting my bike on the road. But with that said, it's also time to do a spring clean. This year I have 2 places to clean. One to get ready to sell and the other to get ready to move in. This is also the time of year that I must really focus on the few things I love to do as well. One is pottery and the one I must focus on. Hand made on a wheel or hand built from slabs or a combo of both. No mold made pieces here. I have a large wood fired kiln that I have to fill and fire before June. At least that is my plan. With working full time and being a caregiver to my parents, my energy level is pretty low. I am hoping that my returning to Kung Fu will help me focus on what I love to do. I have also been thinking of pulling the plug at work and doing my pottery full time. But with the economic times the way they are I think I'd need to find a job to supplement my income. Oh well it will all come out in the end one way or another. There are pots to be made and houses to clean and a bike that is calling . . .  

Elders and Separation

With an aging population, and much like everything else that is healthcare related, there is a shortage of care facilities for seniors. Especially facilities where couples can live out their lives together no matter what level of care is needed. The government seems to think that having people stay in their own home is the answer. This is great for people or couples that need minimal care, where a daily visit from a home care nurse is all that is needed, or who can afford to hire a full time nurse. There also needs to be the support of family too. But what about couples where one needs extended care and can not remain at home and the other just needs minimal care but relies on others for transportation. Can they stay in there own home? No, they must find a care facility and be put on a waiting list.

The only available solution today is that one spouse goes into a care facility and the other either remains in their home or goes to a lodge. This is what I am facing as a caregiver to my parents. After almost 60 years of being together they find themselves forced into separation. There are no facilities in the area or the province for that matter, where they can share a room and each get the level of care they need. In a nursing home there are different levels of care anyway so what difference would it make if a couple shared a room where one spouse were still able to look after most of their own needs and the other might need extended care. Is it not the goal to have a good quality of life for the elderly in these facilities. I think it's outrageous that seniors are separated because one may have an illness that requires extended care yet the other spouse does not. Why can't couples who want to be together stay together in the same room and facility. Sure there are facilities where they can be in the same building but not the same room. This to me is a cruel punishment and not a life that has quality. 

What will it be like when the baby boomers come to an age where they will need care. What is really lacking in this province are facilities that allow couples to stay together. To live out their later years with dignity and together.